tomoro..

Peace... sometimes my mind moves in a circle to show me the cipher.

I was resting on a day off last week sometime, and I find now that while I have a job that requires me to be outside in the sun, that I appreciate being inside (metaphorically and physically) oh so much.

On this day I was meditating on feeling the physical pangs and what they would represent in my mind or in my life process, and felt my hands and feet. I have always been slightly arthritic in the hands and now in my feet. Those who knowledge Faatma knowledge that every skill she has is associated to her hands. Every last one. So needless to say its reasonable that I would have early onset arthritis... anyway my mind started to drift.

What if its not "just" arthritis but a symptom of something worse...

my mind takes me thru the reference library of things I knowledge that have arthritis as a "symptom".

if it were something ill than how would I respond?
my mind travels thru fear, urgency, anger, acceptance, release, joy, freedom.

Freedom. If we were aware... positively actively aware, that tomoro is not promised, than would we live our lives as we do lazily today? would we have any fears of judgement or need for approval? would we put off adventures until we could "afford" it? would we wait to tell our children the stories of our lives until they were "older"? would we build our lives around the promise of "retirement"? Would we compare ourselves to each other or would we be enough?

I realized that I was massaging my hands and there was no more pain... and my inner travels showed me what the real pain was and how to mend it... freedom or death is a lesson in wisdom & power.

Peace
Faa

washin' dishes

understanding ciphers are new visions of old things... I'll be turning 33 this rotation... understanding my understanding... nuff said right?

in my twenties it was epiphanies everyday but they were subtle... you walk the earth steady asking for wisdom, steady asking for guidance, steady asking for direction... constant movement, constant drive, motivation abounds, life is being and doing...

in my thirties its epiphanies every day but subtlety has left the building and has been replaced with a magnifying glass... I am on year three of asking for patience...I spend a lot of time tryna scrub a label off a jar and the goo that binds the label is fiercely attached... attachment is a bitch I tell you. I don't like that bitch. Ha.

I'll tell you a secret... in my teens I did more hallucinogens than one should probably do in a lifetime... probably in the span of a year I altered my life. Those white men who studied psychedelics and their connectedness to the Tibetan book of the dead were on to something... a larger conversation with your ego and all the layers of labeling that are stuck to this jar.

its telling... and explains much of my paradox & my existential metaphor.

Life is so perfectly simple and so intensely complicated.

the next adventure includes growing things with and for so-called exiled undesirables...more on that later...

no apology for my lack of posting. I love myself and am not always at the computer :-D... its spring! and spring has offered abundance in many forms for crabdragon... learning a new trade (working on a community farm), community garden organizing ( and the interesting dynamic of interrelationships in community), growing things in the earth and the planet earth...transitioning into my adult self (wow)... who heals the healer? the healer does ya dummy.

anyway...just wanted to share a dream from this pasts night vision and my analysis of it.

its frantic, the energy is full of urgency and it feels manic like on some "I am Legend" or some "28 days later" type ish... I am on a mission...running with my seeds who are smaller than they currently are and am intently looking for a certain room in this place, which looked like a hotel lobby... )I knowledge that when you are in a home you are dealing with your subconscious, so when you are in a public place does that mean we are dealing with how we see the world?)

so we are running... two lil people at my tails and one in my arms... I find the room which is some willy wonka crawl space with a door that disappears into the wall.... ahh they are safe... I'm creeping thru this place with my crouching tiger stealth and walk up on this person who I think is a friend... tap him on the shoulder just to realize that he has joined the enemy ranks. I know this because he has an intricate geometric tattoo on his forearm... and he tried to play nice with me until he saw my eyes linger on his forearm and looked like he didn't know what to do and I thought he was gonna scream...

and this point I said somethin like "It's my right to grow my own food" (in a really dramatic voice) and he said something to the effect of "not unless its certified!"

and the other folks in the room recognized me and started to inch their way toward me with their weapons drawn...

listen... I know this sounds silly right? let me give you some foundation information.

so before I went to rest I was lying in my bed meditating on the state of the earth... myself and the planet and how we are exactly alike and the same even in our mental state, in our madness, in our protectiveness and in our intuition. I was thinking about old school environmentalists vs new school green capitalists vs hippies vs urban go greeners and this whole so-called movement of green. Somebody pointed out to me a while back that the Dollar Bill is also Green... and I find that a perfect way to describe what is going on in the world.... and I feel like my psyche is telling me what I already know... there are people in this world that act like the green militia, the green nazi, and the green capitalist/dictator. For myself, I've been on this ish my whole adult life, and until very recently was frowned upon. no sir I don't wanna be your superstar, no ma'am I don't want to save the world...

what? you don't wanna save the world? no... because I knowledge that there is no such thing as a global movement for positive change... big change happens in small spaces and ripples (((((((o))))))) you feel me? so when folks try to make something big... I knowledge its then time to retreat and save self and family.

I love y'all... be sincere in all your undertakings and make change for you and your foundation. save YOUR babies.

Thank you for listening (reading) my words.
Peace

like a sailor

some randoms because my thoughts are not all that cohesive right now ( maybe it'll all make sense after I read it)

1) bitch is one of my favorite and most used words... bitches get sensitive about it and bitch and they might get bitched slapped with they bitch asses... its as versatile as "fuck" ... and not as abrasive ( to me anyway).

2) Venus is in retrograde... which seems to be more of a mess than when mercury is in retrograde.... it makes us backwards emotional bitches.

3) on a lighter note... the garden is goooood... planting started this week and I have 5 plots this year. People are ready to learn to grow food ( and flowers). I was buildin with a friend about how alot of folks have fear around this perceived recession and economic "collapse"...whenever it comes up, is a good time to insert community building in the form of gardening as food security... I personally see all this mess as a good thing and build that the current economy continues to collapse so we can build a resource economy..... bitches.


thats all for now... I'll post pics of the garden soon.

bitchthatsmyman-itis

Being a person who thinks a lot.... one of the things that permeates the mental ethers all too often is the subject of relationships. The commonality among us is the ideal to be in a committed long lasting relationship. I won't broach the subject of polyamory today because as I am not the best knower of said theory as I historically walk in the shoes of a serial monogamist. Being in my understanding ciphers and doin the knowledge to how we interact with one another I c defined patterns and processes re: interrelating.

One that I absolutely identify with is the fight or flight syndrome or commitment-phobia or forever-is-some-bullshit dis-ease. Which is an extreme of highs and lows. Walking the “Tao” and finding what appears to be the Yang to your Yin... (ahhh how complete we are together.) At which point a voice in your head says “now you must submit...” At this point you realize you are standing at the edge of what you know. You then jump head first off the cliff of logic into the abyss of “love” just to realize there is something scary and mysterious in the waters ... whereby you put on the bulletproof lifejacket, swim to shore (quietly and quickly) and climb back up to logic. OK I know that was a lot.

All of the above is perceived, the perceived ideal and perfection of man, the perceived declaration of submission, the perceived safety of so-called logic, the perceived murky abyss of love, the perceived threat to your “self”, the perceived lifejacket (that keeps you from harm), and the perceived ascent to safety.... where you find yourself again...alone.

Now, just to be crystal, just because one is aware of the reality of the affliction, does not mean that one will easily treat said affliction. Just that they are aware of said self affliction. Which I will repreatedly tell myself is the first step in the healing process.

As I watch my sisters who are afflicted with I-will-never-leave-you-unless-you-kill-me-first-itis, and bitch-thats-my-man-itis, it is hard for me to see myself in a bad place... .yet I knowledge that the LOVE is the easy part and the inner work is what makes us all collect these afflictions.... and we all need to cleanse.

Spring is upon us people and I got the fever so I'ma get this heart cleanse goin and work to be more patient with the Yang, open to other perceptions of the Tao and not so quick to jump off every cliff I encounter.

p.s.… I just read this to my sister... who has one of the other afflictions but is a very good observer and translator of information and hers was that I am not a cliff jumper at all but instead have a love affair with the cliff... which I never jump from... hmmmm perception is a mutha.

crazy painting on paint