keep

giving gifts in preparation for
greatness when the sun is high

masculine innerG's guide me to
self
actualization

i love u

...just one kiss?
it's a healthy obsession with
God
who(mmmmm) i make out with
in the ethers
whenever I c him.

spirit watches cerebral
wanting the physical...

How u B?

Blissed
How u Bee?
(he knows I am the bee)

walking wit Blissed.

lost & found

temperance and clarity
worst enemy, greatest teacher
& unconditional lover.

our antenna receive messages
faster than the speed of
light & sound.

love letters are
B sides
wrapped in inside
jokes.

..no really just one kiss
so I can decide if
this is god's breath
I'm tasting...

temperance & clarity
are always talking
to
righteousness & rememberance
it's so 5th dimension.

"poetry this is not..."
...says the pouty crabdragon to the tiger,
"it's just how i talk."

and so...

I'm still earth.....& an eccentric overbearing mother, ethereal utilitarian artist, student farmer, nutritionist wanna b, vegetable nerd, pot thrower, mud slinger, shit talker, sailor mouf', amber & coconut smellin, absythne drinking, tobacco lovin, vanilla flavored woman.

As the Earth (r)evolves.....I watch the sun rise and set (oh the metaphors abound today) the weather is very frequently wrong & I learn somethin about myself.

I learn somethin about you.
I learn somethin about my seeds.
I learn somethin about growing (children, myself, food, relationships)

...my LuvHer said “growth ain't always peaceful”... when I gave birth to each one of my children ...guess what...it Hurts... but when u see their faces and hold them in ur arms, its worth every single solitary excruciating last second of it. Spring wouldn't be so lovely if winter didn't make us wait and salt makes all the other flavors shine...and so the caterpillar emerges as a butterfly. Figure it out please.

I don't have judgment for your process but I do have judgment for your judgment.

Recent peeves include:
People who are crippled by their self pity or self loathing (and let me clarify that I have been that person)
Martyr-dumb (stop tryna save us!)
The i'm-so-worried-about-whether-or-not-your-validating-me-that-I-can't-see-the-value-in-my-work actor (I really don't like the show boat).

Recent joys include:
Beauty of depth perception and layers in our walking painting called vision.
Children and their wisdom which seems to expand far beyond what any of these righteous and holy books can ever reach.
The decision to use measurements that are appropriate to the equation. One cannot use the same formula for all things in life... therefore good and bad can vary based on the circumstance too.

And so...Did any of this get thru?

tomoro..

Peace... sometimes my mind moves in a circle to show me the cipher.

I was resting on a day off last week sometime, and I find now that while I have a job that requires me to be outside in the sun, that I appreciate being inside (metaphorically and physically) oh so much.

On this day I was meditating on feeling the physical pangs and what they would represent in my mind or in my life process, and felt my hands and feet. I have always been slightly arthritic in the hands and now in my feet. Those who knowledge Faatma knowledge that every skill she has is associated to her hands. Every last one. So needless to say its reasonable that I would have early onset arthritis... anyway my mind started to drift.

What if its not "just" arthritis but a symptom of something worse...

my mind takes me thru the reference library of things I knowledge that have arthritis as a "symptom".

if it were something ill than how would I respond?
my mind travels thru fear, urgency, anger, acceptance, release, joy, freedom.

Freedom. If we were aware... positively actively aware, that tomoro is not promised, than would we live our lives as we do lazily today? would we have any fears of judgement or need for approval? would we put off adventures until we could "afford" it? would we wait to tell our children the stories of our lives until they were "older"? would we build our lives around the promise of "retirement"? Would we compare ourselves to each other or would we be enough?

I realized that I was massaging my hands and there was no more pain... and my inner travels showed me what the real pain was and how to mend it... freedom or death is a lesson in wisdom & power.

Peace
Faa

washin' dishes

understanding ciphers are new visions of old things... I'll be turning 33 this rotation... understanding my understanding... nuff said right?

in my twenties it was epiphanies everyday but they were subtle... you walk the earth steady asking for wisdom, steady asking for guidance, steady asking for direction... constant movement, constant drive, motivation abounds, life is being and doing...

in my thirties its epiphanies every day but subtlety has left the building and has been replaced with a magnifying glass... I am on year three of asking for patience...I spend a lot of time tryna scrub a label off a jar and the goo that binds the label is fiercely attached... attachment is a bitch I tell you. I don't like that bitch. Ha.

I'll tell you a secret... in my teens I did more hallucinogens than one should probably do in a lifetime... probably in the span of a year I altered my life. Those white men who studied psychedelics and their connectedness to the Tibetan book of the dead were on to something... a larger conversation with your ego and all the layers of labeling that are stuck to this jar.

its telling... and explains much of my paradox & my existential metaphor.

Life is so perfectly simple and so intensely complicated.

the next adventure includes growing things with and for so-called exiled undesirables...more on that later...

no apology for my lack of posting. I love myself and am not always at the computer :-D... its spring! and spring has offered abundance in many forms for crabdragon... learning a new trade (working on a community farm), community garden organizing ( and the interesting dynamic of interrelationships in community), growing things in the earth and the planet earth...transitioning into my adult self (wow)... who heals the healer? the healer does ya dummy.

anyway...just wanted to share a dream from this pasts night vision and my analysis of it.

its frantic, the energy is full of urgency and it feels manic like on some "I am Legend" or some "28 days later" type ish... I am on a mission...running with my seeds who are smaller than they currently are and am intently looking for a certain room in this place, which looked like a hotel lobby... )I knowledge that when you are in a home you are dealing with your subconscious, so when you are in a public place does that mean we are dealing with how we see the world?)

so we are running... two lil people at my tails and one in my arms... I find the room which is some willy wonka crawl space with a door that disappears into the wall.... ahh they are safe... I'm creeping thru this place with my crouching tiger stealth and walk up on this person who I think is a friend... tap him on the shoulder just to realize that he has joined the enemy ranks. I know this because he has an intricate geometric tattoo on his forearm... and he tried to play nice with me until he saw my eyes linger on his forearm and looked like he didn't know what to do and I thought he was gonna scream...

and this point I said somethin like "It's my right to grow my own food" (in a really dramatic voice) and he said something to the effect of "not unless its certified!"

and the other folks in the room recognized me and started to inch their way toward me with their weapons drawn...

listen... I know this sounds silly right? let me give you some foundation information.

so before I went to rest I was lying in my bed meditating on the state of the earth... myself and the planet and how we are exactly alike and the same even in our mental state, in our madness, in our protectiveness and in our intuition. I was thinking about old school environmentalists vs new school green capitalists vs hippies vs urban go greeners and this whole so-called movement of green. Somebody pointed out to me a while back that the Dollar Bill is also Green... and I find that a perfect way to describe what is going on in the world.... and I feel like my psyche is telling me what I already know... there are people in this world that act like the green militia, the green nazi, and the green capitalist/dictator. For myself, I've been on this ish my whole adult life, and until very recently was frowned upon. no sir I don't wanna be your superstar, no ma'am I don't want to save the world...

what? you don't wanna save the world? no... because I knowledge that there is no such thing as a global movement for positive change... big change happens in small spaces and ripples (((((((o))))))) you feel me? so when folks try to make something big... I knowledge its then time to retreat and save self and family.

I love y'all... be sincere in all your undertakings and make change for you and your foundation. save YOUR babies.

Thank you for listening (reading) my words.
Peace

like a sailor

some randoms because my thoughts are not all that cohesive right now ( maybe it'll all make sense after I read it)

1) bitch is one of my favorite and most used words... bitches get sensitive about it and bitch and they might get bitched slapped with they bitch asses... its as versatile as "fuck" ... and not as abrasive ( to me anyway).

2) Venus is in retrograde... which seems to be more of a mess than when mercury is in retrograde.... it makes us backwards emotional bitches.

3) on a lighter note... the garden is goooood... planting started this week and I have 5 plots this year. People are ready to learn to grow food ( and flowers). I was buildin with a friend about how alot of folks have fear around this perceived recession and economic "collapse"...whenever it comes up, is a good time to insert community building in the form of gardening as food security... I personally see all this mess as a good thing and build that the current economy continues to collapse so we can build a resource economy..... bitches.


thats all for now... I'll post pics of the garden soon.

bitchthatsmyman-itis

Being a person who thinks a lot.... one of the things that permeates the mental ethers all too often is the subject of relationships. The commonality among us is the ideal to be in a committed long lasting relationship. I won't broach the subject of polyamory today because as I am not the best knower of said theory as I historically walk in the shoes of a serial monogamist. Being in my understanding ciphers and doin the knowledge to how we interact with one another I c defined patterns and processes re: interrelating.

One that I absolutely identify with is the fight or flight syndrome or commitment-phobia or forever-is-some-bullshit dis-ease. Which is an extreme of highs and lows. Walking the “Tao” and finding what appears to be the Yang to your Yin... (ahhh how complete we are together.) At which point a voice in your head says “now you must submit...” At this point you realize you are standing at the edge of what you know. You then jump head first off the cliff of logic into the abyss of “love” just to realize there is something scary and mysterious in the waters ... whereby you put on the bulletproof lifejacket, swim to shore (quietly and quickly) and climb back up to logic. OK I know that was a lot.

All of the above is perceived, the perceived ideal and perfection of man, the perceived declaration of submission, the perceived safety of so-called logic, the perceived murky abyss of love, the perceived threat to your “self”, the perceived lifejacket (that keeps you from harm), and the perceived ascent to safety.... where you find yourself again...alone.

Now, just to be crystal, just because one is aware of the reality of the affliction, does not mean that one will easily treat said affliction. Just that they are aware of said self affliction. Which I will repreatedly tell myself is the first step in the healing process.

As I watch my sisters who are afflicted with I-will-never-leave-you-unless-you-kill-me-first-itis, and bitch-thats-my-man-itis, it is hard for me to see myself in a bad place... .yet I knowledge that the LOVE is the easy part and the inner work is what makes us all collect these afflictions.... and we all need to cleanse.

Spring is upon us people and I got the fever so I'ma get this heart cleanse goin and work to be more patient with the Yang, open to other perceptions of the Tao and not so quick to jump off every cliff I encounter.

p.s.… I just read this to my sister... who has one of the other afflictions but is a very good observer and translator of information and hers was that I am not a cliff jumper at all but instead have a love affair with the cliff... which I never jump from... hmmmm perception is a mutha.

crazy painting on paint

saturday 9:43 pm

Things that made me smile today
graph paper in journals
Sun at his game enjoying his own self
my personal blend of coconut shea butta
blood orange
watching art make itself
the word Yummy
talkin about Holy books
not rollin my eyes and then rollin my eyes at the observation
talkin to iself about grafted vs. refined
mini me holdin my hand (cus I know she gon' grow out of it one day)
building with little people about free will
being full (in the mental belly)
inappropriate daydreams in the kitchen
productive creative workdays

randomositylessness
so I find myself wanting to vent and then will write a blog and then will delete it before I post it because its inappropriate to talk about personals in the ethereal dunya aka www like I wanna talk to the whole universe at the same time but then think y'all some bitch ass haters ( na I ain talkin about YOU) and change my mind and take a shower. I btw prolly take more showers than anyone else I knowledge... it seems to be the only place where I can b alone and meditate.... and its hot and steamy wet in there...then I discovered that I am clearly concerned with the perception that the ethereal dunya has of me.... and that led me to the next realization that I care too much about you (well except for YOU).

so fuck what you think and thank you for teachin me that.

... I am a sweet and sappy ting seen...

poetry is 4 suckas

suckas who write love letters to their egos
sad.
suckas who don't read anythin they ain' write.
dummy.
suckas who suck at this writing shit.
sucka.

poetry is 4 suckas.

deep bass origins of a little girl
loves melancholy sounds
likes mischievous boys
eats sweet and spicy
tastes fyawata
hears everything uttered and not
speaks thru vishuddha
feels deep bass origins of a woman
touch...

collecting solar panels from my brothers

comfort in the tao....
singular bedtime stories....
nitelight ain't the same as the sun...
grey water systems to feed Anahata's gardens...
knowledge wisdom understanding culture power equality god build/destroy born cipher... written on her neck in cursive...
collective solar panels from brothers...
the earth is too much....


the earth is too much.

to whom it may concern:
I have successfully developed a reputation for showing up to the party, just to vanish without a trace... only to be seen again when I am ready, years, months and days later....

..so maybe I have problems socializing... Its hard for me to be in groups of lots of people for too long! I have a problem with the facade of small talk and pretend smiles.... my cycles are seemingly random to the outside world but I am aware of the internal pattern of reclusion.

1) I am bored easily... its a terrible and arrogant thing to say. if you are a person who takes a long time to tell a story, it better be really animated or I will only hear the beginning and end. and because I am a tactless mudslinger I'll probably admit that to you while you are talking.

2) I have anxiety about falsehood in body language.

3) Aquaintanceship with an agenda is no fun.

4) I prefer genuine unconditional whimsical relationships.

5) Most importantly...I like to listen to music, draw/paint pictures and read books.

What does a hermit do?
whatever she wants, whenever she wants, without obligation to do it in a way that is socially acceptable...

I may regret posting this later... and you will know this because I will have deleted this post.

Sincerly (for real y'all)
Faatma